Waxed

8 months and it feels like a lifetime. 8 months and it feels like no time at all. It’s all come down to this night. It’s the night before the struggle ends, and furnishing my life starts. It’s the constant push and pull of life seeping its way into every pore of my daily grind. I’ve come to build a foundation for myself that’s the sturdiest I’ve ever known. I’ve constructed it from nothing. The smooth seamless floor, the tall unbreakable walls, the large windows and vaulted ceiling over my head were built from my pure imagination, and here I lie in my California king of life. My future lies beside me. We wake everyday and the grin in her eyes match mine. We know where we’re meant to be here, in this home, together. She’s brought color to my walls and warmth to the atmosphere with the light she sheds into the dark corners. Next my safety is about to be locked into place. My best friend arrives and my security system will be installed. This is my home.

To say I was scared I would fail and end up “homeless” when I decided to move here is an understatement. I was horrified. Something inside drew me here. I can’t explain the pull and magnetic force that made me feel like this had to happen but it was real, and I couldn’t ignore it. Even upon returning to New Jersey I had a fear to return to this the half built life I was starting but it called for me. Literally. I was in line to get on my flight to California and started back towards the exit to go back to my hometown, and then the simple vibration of an iPhone answered every question I needed. When I looked at the phone I saw it was she, the one I lay next to now, the only one I’ll ever lie next to again, calling me to return. One half hour later, I was 20,000 miles high, with and restored confidence that I was meant to come back. 

I’ve made many sacrifices in order to get here. It, thus far, has been eye opening. It has been worth it. Giving up time in the water has been the most difficult, along with time away from shows, and giving up social time, most recently, but I know that in order to make these things a permanent staple for a lifetime, it’s necessary now. It’s a short-term solution for a long-term goal. Fuck I am making adult decisions, who would have thought. The water is calling me, as my friend gets closer. We will rejoice and celebrate in less than 48 hours. All that time spent without surf is over. My rooms are about to be furnished with the things I’ve been saving up for to enjoy for a lifetime.

My home is here.  These walls were built with my hands. These walls will witness the beauty of the memories that are about to happen. Take off your shoes at the door; you’re welcome to come join me and my family here. This is where my heart lies.

I love this.

You know when your mother says to you, ” it’s good to hear the happiness in your voice”, that you have something special going on. In that moment, Every emotion surfaced. The gravity and reality of what’s happening is hitting me like a bug on the windshield of a speeding tractor trailer.

A best friendship set ablaze with passion and desire always seemed insuperable and non existent. Then I saw her for the first time and my soul was instantly ignited by a simple quip about offensive humor. An ever wandering and aching heart now rests next to the puzzle piece whose every groove fits seamlessly with my own. It’s a perfect fit for two previously lost souls, who would never settle for anything but a piece whose picture would complete the other. So here we are, at peace, together after a lifetime of dreaming. In the words of Pheobe, “I’ve found my lobster”.

It seems certifiable to even hear myself say or know this is factual. It’s undoubtably true. I know for once where I belong and I’ve found home in the arms of a woman who compliments and completes me. The balance and ease of everything due to the basic foundation amazes and shocks me. I can’t stop laughing and smiling. I’m full of joy and excitement with every reminder of the love we share. We’re the couple that gets the, ” you make me sick ” comment, daily. That’s what we’re going for, because we, even make us sick.

I love us.

“It happens when you least expect it”. In my case I’ve been plague ridden with its non existence. I’ve believed and had faith in the fact it still exists and is waiting out there for me. The problem I’ve had is that there was always a red flag, a underlying concern or feeling in the bottom of my heart that invoked doubt, a shoe that would drop, and it always did.

I sit here today in disbelief. The heaviness of my heart has been lifted. The wondering of why it all happened and if I will ever find someone to share my world with has been answered. There is not one doubt in my being that, this is where I was meant to be, this is why it happened. There are no shoes. We are barefoot, free to feel, free to remain balanced. In terms of numbers, we haven’t known each other long, in terms of feelings I think I’ve known her forever. My world had been the darkest it had ever been, and she burns so bright. I just left her side, and I miss her.