Waxed

I’m sitting here in the Airport and I literally have Goosebumps. I’m on my way home and my brain feels like it’s a bag of Pop Rocks that someone poured Root Beer over. There are Fireworks in my heart and I cannot wait to see my loved ones. Problem being, this is not under the circumstances I had hoped for. My Aunt has passed and I’m returning to support my family. Rest assured I am fine and holding strong. It’s a tragedy to lose a loved one and my heart is overwhelmed with sadness. At the same time I have this swelling of joy in my chest. I never got to say goodbye to my aunt but everything happens for a reason. Life is stranger than we could ever imagine.

I’ve been in California for almost half of this year and it feels like yesterday that I left. I shed many tears upon leaving; I was scared that I’d never see these people again. Thanks to the effort from those people I’m close with, we never lost touch and in fact, we grew closer. I cannot fucking wait to embrace them in my arms; the thought of it is so exhilarating that I have to hold back tears. I’m getting to meet a new addition to the army of friends I call family in the next few days. Its hours away and I’ll be introduced to Noah Brown, my brother’s second child. I’m on cloud nine just thinking about laughing with everyone, seeing them and making more memories within the short few days I’m there.

Leaving California is a bit humbling and the true colors of new friends are showing. I was offered rides to the airport, given support and expressions of condolence for my loss. Californians may, by nature, put up a serious front, and some may lack depth, and substance, but I will attest to the fact that the good ones here have as much heart as the best of the best on the East Coast. Leiren, Sean, Kenny, Hector, Hernan, Krisztina, Sugi, and Shinsuke Nakashima, thank you for everything since I’ve arrived, no matter what happens or how far apart we may grow in the future, you will all have a place in my heart for the rest of my life.

As excited, as I am to return to do the most ridiculous shit with Ryan Watson, I am also excited to return to California.  My thoughts wander, and question how this will all feel in one week. I had a conversation with my friend Joe who has been on almost the same exact journey as me, discussing his first returning trip to NJ. He was invigorated. I’m hoping for the same. I want that spark that ignites my experience even further. The other day there was a flicker of hope, in California. I have a wick doused in Gasoline waiting to be ignited and I experienced something that could do just that. When I get home I’ll submerse my self into that, and hope for a blaze of glory. More on that in the future.

My names being called to board as I finish this. The airline attendant is greeting me without even having the slightest idea that she’s meeting the happiest person in the world right now. She should be asking for an autograph, because this feeling is so rare and should be embraced and cherished to the fullest. This feeling, right now, is proof that miracles happen, dreams come true, and the bullshit life throws at you, is worth the struggle. I’m Coming Home to you. I am filled with love and whimsical feelings of nostalgia and optimism. This is what life is all about. This feeling right now.

I’m a creature who needs structure and consistency. I’ve grown throughout my years with that lacking. People, hobbies, jobs, support and faith always seemed to shift with surroundings. The only thing that stuck around we’re people I call family. Few that are blood, and many who are not. I am greatly appreciative, and would give anything up for them, I mean, they really put up with some serious bullshit from me in the past. I’m sorry for that guys, thanks for all the advice, and patients, during the many hours of me bitching, I love you for staying and you’ve helped me to this point in my life where I am truly happy. Thank you. 

Now that I am “settled” in and starting to become more comfortable, and my confidence is returning, I’m seeking that steady flow.  As far as friends, a career, even the basic structure of my schedule is difficult to nail down, but I am getting close. I can feel it in my heart again, the reassurance that I was right and the hard times are for reason and with purpose. I won’t settle, before in my native state I had done just that, and despite the wonderful people I was surrounded with, I was unhappy on a personal level. I’m not doing that again for I am proud of this opportunity I took, and I will not let it be tainted. 

Now an update on Dating. Where do I start. It’s quite the unique experience here. That’s a lie. Its the same bullshit as back home, as it is here. The only differences are that on the East coast girls will straight up tell you to fuck off, here they drag you along. Other than that people are better at being fake here so mixed signals are inevitable. I feel like Tom from 500 days of summer toward the end of those 500 days. I’m up off the bed and moving forward. I plan on meeting as many people as possible here, that includes dating different people, hopefully not at the same time. Now that sounds like a concept coming from a typical guy looking to go out to just get laid,  but I’ll clarify. I’m single and have been for a while now. I know what I have to offer and know its something most guys can’t.  Yes I do want a serious relationship. No one has presented me with enough for me to be able to commit at this point. Therefore I’m open to meeting as many people as possible, until we find each other.  I’m not a man-whore, never was, never will be. I’m a die hard romantic waiting for the one and living life freely in the mean time. I love you Mom, and promise I’m not a slut and have every intentions of making you and Gram proud with whoever I bring home to meet you in the future. Dad, Ill also making you proud,  I’ll make sure she’s hot and funny so you can torture her with your endless onslaught of mildly offensive yet harmless banter.

The problem with the above ideas as far as dating many people for me is, lack of consistency. Show me one who has the confidence to come after it and to be loyal from start to finish, let me be proved right that it exists. So far this is a fantasy in my own life. At least I’m having the time of my life and surfing my brains out in the mean time. I’m hopeful and excited for a few select individuals that I’ll be meeting soon. I’m up against some women who, from the outside, are out of my league. They are gorgeous, successful and educated. It appears to be a full package, let’s just hope what they have on the inside, matches the out. Let’s hope for someone who will know what they want, and that to be me. 

The job is next up and the dating will not interfere. I’m going for some again, that are way out of my league. Writing positions and positions in companies throughout the surf industry are my Dragon to slay. Let’s hope they know what I have to offer and see my talent. I know I can do anything, if given the chance, and I’ll exceed all expectations.

Let’s just hope for structure and consistency with everything that is about to unfold. Then again, it is Summer time and I’m waiting for Autumn.

I have a friend of mine that I’ve known since the third grade. We had a falling out amongst our friends and a difference in opinions almost seven years ago now. I’ve stayed in touch with him throughout, but always keep a distance. This was dumb. We connected emotionally as friends, on a deep level. He has a brilliant and unique mind, but used to come off very abrasive. I understood him enough to understand and know it wasn’t coming from a bad place, for he has a genuine heart. Unfortunately people are too wrapped up in words and never focus on actions. His are justified  for the most part, with few exceptions, and noble. We’ve been in touch recently discussing our past and now, our present. He lost a loved one today. A man who I’ve known for years and the most influential man of his lfe. His Grandfather.

I know how hard this is for I have lost the most influential women in my life, my Grandmother. Me simply understanding how hard this is to go through is hopefully comforting to him to know he’s not alone. Sometimes he speaks of things he wishes he would change because he realizes how much time he wasted. My thought is, as I told him, Everything has happened for a reason and has brought him to the now. It has made him the man he is, and it is his responsibility to carry on the name and legacy of the man he cherishes so dearly and to not regret anything.

He is a great man like his grandfather. We all have our demons to fight, not everyone is fearless enough to show them and confront them. He is. I love him like a brother, unconditionally and my love goes out to him and his entire family. Today we lost a great man. He is to be replaced with an equally, if not more respectable one, for he has passed his traits down to the next generation. It’s in good hands that are fueled by a passionate heart. My friend is on a new journey now and I am proud to be, No, Honored to be apart of that with him, and to be there for him now. You are my family Dave. Always have been. Always will be. No matter what. I’ll always be here.

The beautiful thing about moving to a new place is the excitement that comes along with every single new experience. Everything is new. The people, the food, the places, the feeling, the general ambiance of the nature that surrounds you, it’s overwhelmingly stimulating. I’m absolutely free to do as I please. I’m incredibly lucky, and so are you. This is why. You are free to do anything you can imagine.

I look at all my friends and family back home and see the ties that bond them to where they are and the path they chose. It’s right for them, it’s respectable and they are successful in what they’ve set out to achieve. I’m proud of them. I’m different than most in what I chose to do. I’m glad I took a chance on believing dreams can come true. I haven’t settled for a life that is any less than what I’ve conjured in my brain since I was young in heart and mind. I feel that youthful passion still to this day. I’m going after MY happily ever after. I’m fulfilled by the simplest, and most pure pleasures anyone could ask for. Building this thing from an empty studio, in a strange place where I know not a single person, straight to the sky’s limit. I’m clawing my way up from the extreme bottom and growing stronger along the way. Once I reach the top, I will be able to conquer anything life throws at me.

I want to fall madly in love with someone, I want to earn a respectable living within the surf industry, and I want to grow another family of friends that reside in the West. All in due time I believe it will come. I have faith in this and I’m completely free of any chains to explore anything, or anyone, that is exciting, new, and fills my life with laughter and joy. I want to have the time of my life while the pursuit of this dream takes place. This journey is the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I have a great sense of pride. Many people may not understand why at my age I’m not settling down and doing the norm. Well, to be honest, I’m a Free Spirit and won’t settled for anything but the best. Until I achieve my perception of that, I won’t let anything, or anyone slow me down. This is my dream, this is life,this is my way.

Anyone who reads these I’m going to tell you something I’ve learned. Again I hope this helps anyone, in anyway, whatsoever, and if so you find the courage to tell me you have read this and take the time to discuss these ideas. Everyone gets to a point where they feel unfulfilled or unhappy. With work, their studies, their significant other, whatever it is. It’s ok to stop and change it all. It’s ok to walk away from what has become the norm and what you’re most comfortable with. Sometimes your heart needs you to leave these things behind in order to thrive and live happily, and to experience a life full of true love. Pursue your dreams for yourself. It’s not selfish. Hard as it may be, it is worth it. You get one shot to do everything you could ever conjure up in your skull. Dream bigger, dream whimsically, and go do it. Do every little thing you’ve always wanted to. You’re not too old, it’s not too late, and you are the only person who can grow the balls to take a leap of faith. Call the person you’re afraid to call and think you shouldn’t, goto art school instead of law school, go drop off the grid and explore, do what you normally wouldn’t, and are afraid of, it’s worth it. Live Free, Live happy, and Love your life without limitation. 

I’ve been in a rut recently. These past few weeks felt like they were a Wampa dragging me by the foot into a dark, iced cave where I would become a snack. I’ d be a Jedi whose training was cut short to be served on a silver platter. Apple in my mouth and all. The main course after the appetizer of Ton Ton was devoured. There was no hope. My light saber in the snow came in the form of a random day off and a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. I slayed the Wampa and am now I have returned to Dagobah to finish my Jedi training.

People have been getting on my fucking nerves out here and it’s been bringing me down. My mouth was diluted and the cloud of Orange was thick around me. Then Han Solo walked in. Mouth firing quips about Butt hole and Broccoli soup. He’s over the half ass friends and fear of commitment also. I’m not entirely familiar with this new found comrade fighting the Empire, but I think we have a lot in common and I think he could be a fair shot, at a real friend here. This was the jump to hyper drive that I needed, it was a spark that ignited the fire, of a great few days.

It started after a conversation me and Solo had about how where we’re from, on our home planets, friendships are valued and loyalty exists, where here on Hoth (Orange County) it seems not to. After a few exchanges about plans to grab some Blue Milk over on Tatooine and hating on Greedo, it dawned on me. I was meant to follow my heart and go with what felt more natural, I was meant to trust the force. I wasn’t supposed to surround myself with the bureaucrats which will say anything to bring down our Rebel alliance and use us for anything they can then, discard us. They can call us Rebel Scum, we don’t give a shit, we’re the good guys, The Dark Side, and the Sith reside within their souls.

The next day a good hearted Kid who I’ll call R2D2, called me after a wonderful lunch with my favorite lady who is from the OC, but fights for the alliance. The words lets go surf, couldn’t have sounded anymore perfect. He informed me we’d be accompanied by our friend who is a master of surfing, we will call C3P0. He has droid like precision and knows how to speak surfing in every language. We took the speeder to the beach and had an epic day, exchanging wave after wave, laugh after laugh, and then… Yoda spoke to me. He said to me, ” Here you belong, friends you have, good it is”. I was an idiot for wasting my time with the likes of Greedo, Boba Fett and Palpatine, those Empire swine. I had a great time with these Droids and so our bond was formed.

This morning I woke up on Dagobah, revitalized and eager to continue. I grabbed some breakfast and decided to have a bowl of my favorite cereal. Cinnamon toast crunch. At first it wasn’t significant, then I poured another bowl, then another. After consuming the whole box, because I felt like it, I laughed out loud to my self and said, ” I fucking love Cinnamon toast crunch. It’s my favorite.”, it was so simple but so profound. I reflected on my new friends and how easy it was to have a good time with these real people. How the simplest of pleasures are meant to out weigh anything that enters from the Dark Side. I won’t give in to the Fake, the Sith,  the walkers amongst the Orange Cloud, The Empire. If my type are just Rebel Scum, I’ll live and die with my people knowing our heart is worth more than the cost of your Star Destroyer and Death Star. The Force is with me and those who share my journey to conquer the Dark Side, I’d share my Blue Milk and Cinnamon Toast Crunch with you any day. I will be a Jedi. I have A New Hope.

To misunderstand or take advantage of me is a likely hood you’ll most likely execute flawlessly when it comes to getting to know me. Those who never have and never will, or corrected this, my heart is yours, you’ve earned it. I’ll give you my whole heart, as a friend, as a lover, or as family, but it is conditional. Without reciprocating or by taking that for granted, even in the slightest, will flip my switch without my own control. For most it’s only inevitable. They will not last in my life. I never have been able to tolerate anyone who shows a lack of loyalty, ethics, or just can’t see through their own cloud of smoke, mirrors, the fake, the bullshit. It’s transparent to me, shallow even, I’ve had my fill and have no time for it. I am and always will be Black and White. A reason, a season, or a lifetime, which do you choose?

A major amount of the new people I’m encountering are all the worst parts of the above, and I’ve invested in this. They Bernie Madoffed me. It might be my fault for being so naive. I don’t know why I’ve put it out there, maybe it’s in hope that I’ll get it back, that someone has a bleeding heart like mine that isn’t afraid to take the risk. Maybe I’ve watched too many epic love stories as a kid. Regardless I still believe, it won’t be taken from me, despite anyone else’s beliefs. I’ve seen and experienced enough to know how I feel is true.

I’m wondering why I haven’t put my time into the people I know without a doubt I can build a legitimate relationship with, the people who I share basic interests with. Am I actually afraid to commit to California? I don’t know anymore. Things are intense. Emotion is running deep and wild thinking I could be here, forever. All whilst family is faced with crisis back East and friends are writing new chapters in which my role is no longer a leading one.

I have to go back now. It’s not on terms I’d hoped for. My aunt is dying of cancer and has little time left. The difficult part is knowing how it’s affecting my Father which is why I’ll return. I want to be there for him. That may sound insensitive, towards my Aunt. I just wasn’t close with my her, though I love her dearly and want her to beat the odds because it will hurt beyond belief. Goodbyes make me weak, they bring my heart tumbling to oblivion. This is where I damn the emotions which flood my heart, more than the average male.

I hope upon my return I do have some clarity and a moment that is the reassurance that I need. My guards been dropped too soon and It’s time to reboot. I think this is why it’s all happening now. It’s why I think, I’ve been disappointed with people here, it’s why my heart, my core, my being, has been taken advantage of and, I let it happen. I’m meant to go back and be the strength for my family, it’s all to teach me something. I hope to learn my decision was the right one, regardless of my struggles. It’ll teach me to persevere through the blackest of nights, for I am becoming the man, growing the strength and sharing the heart, that I knew I always had without yield. I am confident that I am becoming who I’ve always meant to become. For this I am proud and thankful. My heart has lead me where I need to be. I trust it will lead me to continue my journey for this is my happily ever after.